Phone blogging sucks...

I didn't make it into that blogging community. I was super bummed but then I realized that I can make my blog even better. I registered for my new gym membership so now I have to work on conquering my gym fear. It is time and I want some to fight the good fat fight. I hope that I can gain the confidence whilst I lose the fat; emotionally and mentally

Insecure...I think so...

EPIC FAIL…

I don’t know what happened to me this week but I seriously feel like such a failure.  I had all these great plans to get my new gym membership and I bought my new workout shoes…and I friggin failed….AGAIN.

It’s been kind of an emotional week for me.  I am not going to go into great detail because I’m not super proud of how I found out but I kind of took a HUGE blow to the old self esteem.  It was hard to see because this person already knows how I felt about the whole situation.  I was feeling pretty raw and totally fell back into my “self destructive” habits…I ate a ton of chocolate and jelly beans.  OH and to make it even more fun…I’ve been having my dreams again.  Whenever I get super stressed out I have the dreams that include all of my insecurities.  I hope that one day I can get over that hump.  

I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill (HS drama is my guilty pleasure) and there was one where they talked Brooke and her feelings of not being enough.  Not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough...just not enough.  I've watched this show a million times and for 10 million more reasons it really hit the insecurity nerve.  I wonder how people truly get over the feeling of not feeling like enough.  I can talk and talk and talk about not letting the words, the images, the comments, and the other people bother me but the truth is it still does.  

I don't know if those feelings ever go away.  It seems like life is always there to show us that it can kick us down at any moment.  How do we over come the kicks?  How when we are at our lowest do we remember who we really are?  How do we ever convince our hearts and our minds to work together and show ourselves that we do matter; we are enough.  

I wonder though, if all of us have the same insecurities in some form or another; why do we point out others?  Why do we feel the need?

And even if I don’t…MY Week in Review:

I did something today that I didn’t think I was going to do.  I had the always fun internal battle to do or not to do it…THAT is the question.  I follow a blog and they were expanding their blog family to those of us at the beginning of our journey.   I thought, “how cool is this, I can totally do that.”  Well, the negative hand in my life slapped me square in the face and said, “are you stupid….putting yourself out there like that, showing people you have faults and that you are FAT!  OH and that you sometime slack off in the blogging department.” 

GEEEZ sometimes I wish my optimistic side and pessimistic side could square off.  I seriously want to kick my own ass; I’m so annoying sometimes. 

After going back and forth I figured I had nothing to lose and something to gain.  I took a step to let the world see who I am and I am going to commit myself to something that could really benefit me in the long run.  Not to mention how great it will feel to get the support and maybe some compliments that these bloggers get on how amazing they look.    I want to be a part of that.  In a small way I already am and that’s pretty awesome.  I put my actual weight on here which was a big step for me.  This feeling I have right now is totally amazing because I’m charged and so wanting to do this.  Even if I don’t make into the family of this blog I still have mine and my little list of followers.   I will reach out to the people in my life for support when I need it because they have always been there and I know they will continue to be.

I’ll update everyone when I know the outcome….

                So, this week was just interesting.  I had an eye appointment Monday and found out that my Thyroid issue may also be causing my eye problems.  It’s bad enough that it’s a small part of the depression and my ever widening RUMP but it’s now potentially making me blind.  GREAAAAAAAT.   I was informed that I’m not a good candidate for contacts.  E.P.H. (my shortened version of EFF as in the EFF word..I just say the letters E.P.H because when you say EPH like in stEPHanie it sounds like EFF). I did get my updated prescription though and I'll be venturing out to get my new specks.  I decided since I'm going to have them for the rest of my life I'm going to get a really nice pair that makes me look purdy.  Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty uneventful.  Thursday I got my hair dyed a lovely black and green color.  The green stained my pillow case and my husband wasn't too happy about that.  OH well, hair coloring is therapeutic for me.

                 This morning I sent off my letter to the blog.  I hope they get it and seriously consider me.  If not, it's all good.  I stopped off at a Running Shoe store near my house and picked of my new pair of sneakers.  I really lucked because they were on sale.  I didn't get the ones I wanted but I got the same style.  They will serve an amazing purpose.  Now, I just need to get my husband some so he can come with me and keep my company.  We also need to bring our Maggie Dog home.  (Anyone have a spare $300 we can borrow).  This weekend should be pretty quiet.  We don't have any plans as far.  I talked with an friend about the gym he goes to and I am going to look into joining.  I know I want my walk on but I will also need significant weight training.  I need to hit up the grocery store and get the fixins for better meals.  I started collecting healthier meal plans I'm hoping the Mr will like.  He's become so picky lately it's hard to know what I can fix that he will eat.

That's all for now.  The Mr isn't hungry so I'm just going to eat my salad and call it a night. 

 

Taking a break..Cosmo School, Doctors, Needles, and the AH HA moment …

In 2010 I started Cosmetology school.  This was huge for me as it’s been a goal since I was in high school.  My desire grew even further when I got my hair colored for the first time.  I was hooked that’s for sure!!  I was so excited to begin my journey to my dream job.  It’s hard work but for the first time I enjoyed the challenges it brought.  Side note:  if you think you stylist has an easy job you’re sadly mistaken. 

The nail section was difficult.  Not the book work but the technical.  I have no problem admitting that I sucked at nails of the acrylic nature.  I remember my first set; took me 6 hours and they were so ridiculously thick..OUI VAY.  They got better as I progressed but I would never ever charge anyone for that service.  Once I moved over to the Cosmo floor a new challenge arrived.  I loved it!!  I gradually got faster rolling perms and my foil placement for high/low lights.  You wouldn’t think that that would be a difficult task but if you ever see someone with a sort of Cheetah look to their blond highlights you can blame bad foil placement. (OR people who can’t sit still.)  Somewhere along the line the energy shifted.  Perhaps it was my attitude, the universe, my life events, or whatever (there is more me stuff in there so it likely was just me) but my drive/desire to continue to learn just sort of died.  From about May until November I was miserable.  I had moved back to my parent’s house, ended an 11 year friendship, plan a wedding, work full time and go to school while commuting 45 minutes one way 6 days week and squeezing time for my fiancé.  Yeah I think I was a little stressed out.  I complained a lot about the wedding planning but looking back now I am so glad my mother in law and grandmother in law took the reins on that.  I gave them my vision and they ran with it.  I’ll post pictures of the end result which was amazing. 

After the wedding we hit crunch time for the Hair Show.  I was a little annoyed that I had to take off work for it but you do what you have to do, I suppose.  That was when it started with the frustration.  We have these opportunities for what they call “time on” when speakers or demonstrators come in.  Now during our theory class they talk so much about the commitment we made to school and our education and by showing that we care we need to go to these classes.  This started to really get on my nerves because I made a commitment to my job first, five years ago.     I already made the change with my work schedule because of school so to make me feel guilty because of a non required speaker when I’ve committed first to my job is completely unacceptable.  The “I’m sorry but you just missed out” to me is disrespectful to not only myself but to my job that is providing me with funds to pay my 16,500 tuition that keeps that place afloat.  Seems to me that the school and staff need to show a little mutual respect…know what I mean. 

Another incident that just brought me to the brink of INSANITY was a comment made by one of the instructors.  I’m going to preface this by saying YES I am aware it’s the beauty industry and appearance is everything.  A STYLISTS skill is purely based on their appearance.  With that said, I was walking into school, hadn’t clocked in, and was heading to the Ladies room to change in to my appointed school uniform when an instructor says, “wow Melissa I think that’s the best I’ve ever seen you look.”  Now, I was wearing Jeans and a hoodie at the time because it was friggin freezing outside.  Either way…it was completely uncalled for.  She came up to me later giggling and said, “You know I’m just kidding right?”  I ended up quoting Ellen DeGeneres and said, “Well, then you don’t know how to KID properly because we should both be laughing.”  Cracks like this happen all the damned time at that school.  Whether or not I wear full makeup it’s never good enough.  There is always something wrong with my appearance. 

That along with a million other things I had mentally had enough.  I had to take the LOA.  Yes, it set me back quite a bit but I needed to get my physical and mental self in order.  I was going to school broken and in tears.  My desire to finish my goal had died and I needed to find a way to get it back.

After I made the step to take the leave I felt as though a weight had been lifted.  I made an appointment with my doctor to see about getting myself back on track.  Come to find out I had a found minor/common issues that came up and possibly part of the problem.  I can’t tell you how relieved I was.  To know that there was something actually wrong.  I had a HUGE Vitamin D deficiency.  Not a big shocker there though really if you saw me you’d understand.  I’m as pasty as it get.  The other was I have a Humungo thyroid. This was nothing I hadn’t heard before.  I’ve been tested for my Thyroid four times prior to this and it had come back normal.  For whatever reason this time it came back HypoThyroid –ish and what appeared to be Hashimoto’s disease.  I had a cyst on it as well that needed to be biopsied.   For the LOVE of all that is good and holy that was the single most painful moment of my adult life.  I fell head first off a bike and landed on the pavement and I’d gladly go through that again than having needles a foot long shoved into my neck.  OK so I don’t really know if they were a foot long but it bloody sucked.  It was so traumatic I sat in my car for 15 minutes at the hospital and bawled like a little girl.  I even got lost I was so out of it.  Want to know the best part…it was unsuccessful and I had to do it all again.  Thankfully this time it wasn’t as many needles (but there was a longer one) and I didn’t get lost leaving the hospital.  HA.. EWW OK I just got a pain in the Thyroid while I’m typing this.  I will post a picture of my bruise.  It’s pretty Gnarly.  It looked like a crazy hickey and no amount of concealer was covering it.  Thankfully, everything came back normal and I just need to take my thyroid pill.  The reading I did on the Hashimoto and the Vitamin D really made me realize that there was an actual physical reason why I was dealing with so much depression.  I’m not saying that was 100% the cause but it was nice to hear that I wasn’t just sad.  There were contributing factors and knowing this was something I could control with two small pills helped me a lot.  It made me think even more that I could fix the emotional issues as well.  I am still battling my little pill-phobia but it’s getting easier every day.

I have been enjoying my time away from school.  I keep getting asked when I will go back and I haven’t decided yet.  I can go back sooner or in May when I originally told them I would be back.  I know I need to just do it but as my Therapist says you’ll go back when you’re ready.  It was nice to hear that someone understands the value of Mental Health.  It’s just as important.  It’s important to heal some 25+ year wounds. 

OK, so YES I have started seeing a counselor.  I came to the conclusion that these issues are bigger than me and I need the help in understanding why I am the way that I am.  Rolling solo on that mission hasn’t really been working for me and so I thought I couldn’t hurt to have a third party perspective; someone who isn’t emotional invested in me to help me see my life or at least help me obtain the tools to make better choices where my emotional and physical health is concerned.  She has been wonderful and I’ve had a couple of “AH HA” moments.  I’ve realized that experiences as a child have rolled over into my adult life.  Reactions, feelings, emotions, causes, etc.. etc.. etc…  While depression/anxiety is never an overnight fix knowing that it doesn’t have to be a permanent part of my life gives me hope that I can overcome.  It’s hard letting go of emotional/physical trauma that one has endured and for some unknown reason allowed to shape the type of person you’ve become.  Not necessarily a bad person but someone who shakes sometimes has to convince her to go out in public or have such distrust in people that it affects every aspect of my life. 

I know I need to be better and what’s even more wonderful is that I want to be.  I have to stop making excuses and waiting for the miracle that I will wake up happy, healthy, thinner, and on the cover of self magazine. 

This weekend I think I’ll make my husband buy me my new walking shoes…time to start walking away from the chub.

 

Still here....if anyone is reading...

still here...still doing my thing longer post is coming!!!  I have lots to catch up on.

I need HELP and ADVICE...

I don't know if anyone is actually reading this yet (or will ever) but I had an overwhelming experience tonight and I feel like all I want to do is cry.

I was sitting at home with the husband and one of our neighbors came to the door asking for a phone to borrow.  I don't know what happened to my motor skills or my ability to function like a regular person.  I totally lied to this person saying that my phone was dead.  I totally froze up and just panic'd.  As I logged into my blog I read the quote I chose....Fear...

I get the same feeling every time I cut a mans hair.  I can feel my blood turn ICE cold and I start shaking like a leaf.  I need to figure out where this fear comes from and why.  Even now an hour later..I just want to cry.

Carrie Underwood - Change

If you haven't heard this song (and I mean really heard this song) you need to listen to it carefully and more than once.  I was lucky enough to have the whole CD on my ipod and I listen to it over and over again.  I cry every time..

What'cha gonna do with the 36 cents
Sticky with Coke on your floorboard
When a woman on the street is huddled in the cold
On a sidewalk vent trying to keep warm
Do you call her over hand her the change
Ask her a story ask her her name
Or do you tell yourself

You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world

What'cha gonna do when you're watching t.v.
And an ad comes on
Yeah you know the kind
Flashin' up pictures of a child in need
For a dime a day you can save a life
Do you call the number reach out a hand
Or do you change the channel call it a scam
Or do you tell yourself

You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
Don't listen to them when they say
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/c/carrie-underwood-lyrics/change-lyrics.html)
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
Oh the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive
Don't listen to them when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world

The worlds so big it could break your heart
And you just wanna help
But not sure where to start
so you close your eyes
Send up a prayer into the dark

You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
Don't listen to them when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world
Oh the smallest thing can make all the difference
Love is alive
Don't you listen to them when they say
You're just a fool
Just a fool
To believe you can change the world

Judith and Toy Story 3..

 - I wrote this back when I found out that all of my childhood stuffed animals were taken to a local thrift store.  I was so heart broken; beyond explanation.  I can't fully explain how I felt when one particular doll of mine was suddenly gone forever.  Of course, a week after this happened I watched Toy Story 3.  BIG MISTAKE.  OH then right after that a piece of my 'blanket' had fallen off.  My husband thought I had completely lost my mind.  I was hysterical.  Two of the most precious things to me; one gone forever and the other falling apart.  Could things get any worse.  Oh wait...did I mention I'm turning 30 this year.  Yes, I'm a little tender.  Melissa - 

Cabbage Patch Judith..

I am the type of person that becomes [sometimes] overly emotional and sentimental.  This week has been extremely emotional for me to the point where I’ve cried myself dizzy and dehydrated.

I didn’t have the happiest childhood as far as experiences go.  In fact it was pretty traumatic and even today 25+ years later I still have a hard time.  Sometimes I stand in front of a mirror and I want to break it with my fists.  I can’t stand to look at the person staring back at me; I hate her.  She is weak and a pushover.  Each day I have to convince myself that I need to go to work or school.  Do you know what’s it’s like to hate yourself to a point you have to talk yourself into going out into public?  (Thank GOD this isn’t a daily ritual)

Two painful events in my life I always had Judith with me.  I crashed off a bike when I was about 4 ish and landed head first on the sidewalk.  I don’t remember much about falling I just remember after I came to I was walking home with this girl Amy and her leg was all bloody and an old guy with a bushy beard walking me home.  I don’t remember getting home or anything after.  The only other thing I remember about that accident was lying on our couches with Judith and my mom was folding clothes on the other couch.

My other “childhood experience” involved a perverted neighbor boy.  You can draw your own conclusions and it’s really not that hard.  Shortly after it stopped and the cat was out of the bag we had to go to court and be filmed individually telling them what had happened and where.  It was like a bad dream that you just can’t wake up from.  After this humiliating event I remember always going back home and she was there.  I would talk to her and she would listen.  I’d sound like a total nut case if I said she would talk back to me but hell I was 4 in my head she was talking back.  No one else wanted to listen to me talk about it; I think they all hoped that I would forget about it and we could move on.  (Yeah that didn’t happen for me)

Through the nightmares that came after, all the moves, and feeling completely alone she was always there.  Front of the line on my pet net watching over me while I slept.

As you go through your teens and into adulthood most slowly break away from the comforts of childhood.  For some of us, we try to grasp and take with us any happy carefree moments/memories because it reminds us of what was once good and pure in life.  Simple is what I miss the most.  I took her with me through everything.  I liken it to a loyal pet that becomes part of your family.  The attachment and happiness was there.

Life always follows true to form.  Unlike an animal, stuffed ones can last a lifetime.   Unfortunately in this case she didn’t.  I’d like to think the best and say that she was bought from the D.I. and taken to another home.  Sadly, she was pretty ragged and worn after 25+ years and she probably got tossed out.  I know it sounds to the outside as pathetic and I’m an adult who should just get over it but this though broke my heart.  It’s a death to me; a part of me.

 Yes, I know there are greater tragedies in life and I have moved on.  What else is there to do?

Catching up on Past Posts...When I didn't have internet.

 - I talk a lot in this blog about my anxiety level.  I will discuss what happened after this was written later on. There have been ups and downs but thankfully I am getting it back under "control".  I haven't killed anyone yet and I consider that a great big PLUS!!  Melissa - 

And My weekend in Review:  11/12/2011-11/13/2011

·         Hit the Hay early physically Friday.   My new douche bag upstairs neighbor is apparently a weekend father.  Not judging a lot of dads are these days.  HOWEVER, common decency in an apartment complex when you live above someone is to not allow you KIDS to jump and run from one end of the one bedroom of the apartment to the other.  Even after banging on the ceiling didn’t help.  Seriously annoyed the crap out of me. 

·         Saturday attempted to clean the house but I am just so exhausted.  I don’t have the energy that I used do.  Of course I’m packing around a lot more weight than I used.  Think that has something to do with it…because I do.  It’s actually become quite pathetic really.  My busy life outside of work has caused a massive lack of motivation to improve my personal life.  The Anxiety is overwhelming and I really need to figure out a way back.  The lack of accomplishment at home makes me even more depressed and I feel like I can’t breathe anymore.

·         Sunday yet another example of not accomplishing anything.  I did get to spend more time with my husband.  I miss that so much and hate when we’re apart.  We’re newlyweds and get maybe one full day together.  The laziness that was Sunday though caused a massive rift in my Monday.  I wasn’t able to fall asleep until late which cause ridiculous amounts of Anxiety all friggin day.  Well until I made myself down some chamomile tea.  That helped so much.  I may have to do that before bed.

Monday 11/14/2011 Rolled around and I can’t even tell you how horrible it was today.  My anxiety was off the damned charts.  I was shaking (I originally typed shanking which I thought was funny) and could barely type.  That’s not a good thing considering all I do all day is type.  I am hoping that once I get my weight under control my mind and internal body will sync up and I won’t have such anxiety.  I would like to avoid taking meds.  I have a slight pill phobia and would really not like having to pop a pill to regulate myself.  Just goes to show another thing that I’ve let out of my control.

Food wise I was pretty good.  Had breakfast, a reasonable lunch (and by reasonable I mean I didn’t put cheese on my enchiladas), and dinner.  Dinner I could have gone healthier but I did do smaller portions than what I would have done.  Once step at a time, right.

I can’t wait for Friday.  I’ll get to go grocery shopping and buy stuff that will help me in shrinking my stomach so I don’t eat as much.  I’m not going to try some fad diet (right now the HCG diet is floating around the office but personally I don’t see 500 calories as healthy or smart).  I’m also going to look at getting me some walking shoes.  I used to walk three miles to work 5 days a week and I miss it.  This is the part when I get pissed off at myself because of what I’ve become.  I wasn’t a toothpick but I was in much better shape.  I could walk around for hours and be fine.

NO DWELLING…must move forward.  I miss the Melissa I used to be and I hope to get there again soon.  My life literally depends on it.

Melissa

Killing the Fat Girl…While Saving the person inside…

 - I wrote this blog back in November.  I've hesitated publishing it because it reveals a lot about me.  Information that only my doctor and I know.  I figured if I want to do this right I need to be completely honest not only with myself but with anyone that is going to read this.  I am ready now to live the life I know I should be.  Thank you for reading thus far.  My email is listed on my profile so feel free to email me any thoughts, comments, and questions.  Melissa -

I think I’ve eaten enough of my makeup.  Unfortunately this is the only acceptable way to binge and not purge.  Today is a very special day.  Not only is it 11/11/11 but it is the day that a million and one weddings are happening.  OK, so that really means nothing to me (not really I have friends getting married today) but it’s really the day that Melissa (me) decided that she no longer wanted to be fat.

After stumbling rather ungraciously onto another fat chick blog I realized I needed a huge change.  I was reading about one of the bloggers and I felt like I was staring in a mirror.  Well, minus the fact that she had kids.  I had the same reaction when I was reading (and finished) my current book.  I felt like I was reading my life story and what could potentially happen if I don’t figure this out now.

What have I figured out so far?  I don’t want to die, I want to see my pretty face as a thinner person, I don’t want to put my future unborn children at risk, I really don’t want to be so fat that I waddle and wheeze, If I fly southwest I don’t want to have to buy two seats, and I DON’T WANT TO DIE.

I don’t really know my back story and when I really started to gain weight.  I’ve been fat my whole life.  Rolls stop being cute after about age 2.  I look at pictures of myself when I was younger and I think that if I had just stayed active as a child I wouldn’t be into the bad habits I am now.  I have had a few traumatic events in my life and I suppose most therapists would say that I use food to cope or to provide some comfort.  It’s not rocket science I am an emotional eater.  I’m happy I want eat; I’m depressed I want to eat.  Again, not rocket science.

In 2006, I started a new job that I thought was going to change everything around for me.  Oh and it did.  I got bigger and bigger.  You know how they say that when you have a sit down job you get your secretarial spread…well I got everyone’s.  I went from a job that I had to walk to work every day (three miles) and then walk/stand for 8 hours.  I wasn’t thin but I was healthier and the other clothes in my closet fit.  OK so maybe it was getting my driver’s license that made me fat.

I stumbled onto a blog today and it really kind of opened my eyes.  I saw myself in the face of another person with the same struggle.  We almost look identical and I found myself wanting to be that motivated to change my life like she is in the process of.  In the book I just finished it took a heart attack at 30 to wake this girl up.  I don’t want that for me.  I don’t want another near death experience; I am in my near death stage.

The last time I weighed myself was the worse time of my life.  I hit a number that I never ever wanted to hit.  I can remember the last time feeling like this; was when I hit the other number I never wanted to hit.  This will be the most humiliating moment of my adult life because no one but me and my Medical Chart knows this number but I figure if I am going to do this and truly be held accountable I need to put it all out there.

The point of this new blog is to let people into a part of my life that have been behind a wall that I’ve been building for as long as I can remember.  I’ve hidden parts of myself; thoughts, feelings, emotions, and interests; because I didn’t want to be that vulnerable.  I am tired of being made fun of and stared at.  I’m going to talk about things that have happened in the past that I truly believe contributed to the way I look and feel about myself.  My intention is not to hurt anyone or drag up old bitter feelings but to give you as my readers, supporters, and haters (if there be any) a clear understanding of who I am and who I hope to become.  My whole life I’ve been told to just let things go and get over it.  Well, I’m sorry I’m a cancer and we forgive but never forget.  We are emotional people and we take things to heart even when you’re “just kidding”.

You will also notice that I use humor a lot.  I have poked fun at myself a long time because I learned very early on; ‘bout middle school age; that I had to beat them to the punch.  They couldn’t make fun of me if I did it first.  My favorite one still is why do I need to be skinny; when I am in a doctor’s office I don’t want to be wondering why I’m dying..I’LL KNOW WHY. 

I’m not doing this for anyone else other than me.  I’m not doing this because someone in my family once told me I was fat as a house or call me a fat cow for most of my youth.  OH and PS…fat jokes are only motivation for continual over eating…try a different tact.

My name is Melissa, I weight 320 lbs and I don’t want to die.  I can honestly say that I would like to be half the person I currently am.  I hope that anyone reading this finds some kind of encouragement and hope to start their own journey.  I have set up an email where you can email me your thoughts, comments (if you don’t want to post them), encouraging words, tips that worked for you, criticisms if you feel I need them (make sure they are constructive is all I ask), or anything at all that you don’t want to post in the comment section.

Melissa