Phone blogging sucks...

I didn't make it into that blogging community. I was super bummed but then I realized that I can make my blog even better. I registered for my new gym membership so now I have to work on conquering my gym fear. It is time and I want some to fight the good fat fight. I hope that I can gain the confidence whilst I lose the fat; emotionally and mentally

Insecure...I think so...

EPIC FAIL…

I don’t know what happened to me this week but I seriously feel like such a failure.  I had all these great plans to get my new gym membership and I bought my new workout shoes…and I friggin failed….AGAIN.

It’s been kind of an emotional week for me.  I am not going to go into great detail because I’m not super proud of how I found out but I kind of took a HUGE blow to the old self esteem.  It was hard to see because this person already knows how I felt about the whole situation.  I was feeling pretty raw and totally fell back into my “self destructive” habits…I ate a ton of chocolate and jelly beans.  OH and to make it even more fun…I’ve been having my dreams again.  Whenever I get super stressed out I have the dreams that include all of my insecurities.  I hope that one day I can get over that hump.  

I was watching an episode of One Tree Hill (HS drama is my guilty pleasure) and there was one where they talked Brooke and her feelings of not being enough.  Not pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough...just not enough.  I've watched this show a million times and for 10 million more reasons it really hit the insecurity nerve.  I wonder how people truly get over the feeling of not feeling like enough.  I can talk and talk and talk about not letting the words, the images, the comments, and the other people bother me but the truth is it still does.  

I don't know if those feelings ever go away.  It seems like life is always there to show us that it can kick us down at any moment.  How do we over come the kicks?  How when we are at our lowest do we remember who we really are?  How do we ever convince our hearts and our minds to work together and show ourselves that we do matter; we are enough.  

I wonder though, if all of us have the same insecurities in some form or another; why do we point out others?  Why do we feel the need?

And even if I don’t…MY Week in Review:

I did something today that I didn’t think I was going to do.  I had the always fun internal battle to do or not to do it…THAT is the question.  I follow a blog and they were expanding their blog family to those of us at the beginning of our journey.   I thought, “how cool is this, I can totally do that.”  Well, the negative hand in my life slapped me square in the face and said, “are you stupid….putting yourself out there like that, showing people you have faults and that you are FAT!  OH and that you sometime slack off in the blogging department.” 

GEEEZ sometimes I wish my optimistic side and pessimistic side could square off.  I seriously want to kick my own ass; I’m so annoying sometimes. 

After going back and forth I figured I had nothing to lose and something to gain.  I took a step to let the world see who I am and I am going to commit myself to something that could really benefit me in the long run.  Not to mention how great it will feel to get the support and maybe some compliments that these bloggers get on how amazing they look.    I want to be a part of that.  In a small way I already am and that’s pretty awesome.  I put my actual weight on here which was a big step for me.  This feeling I have right now is totally amazing because I’m charged and so wanting to do this.  Even if I don’t make into the family of this blog I still have mine and my little list of followers.   I will reach out to the people in my life for support when I need it because they have always been there and I know they will continue to be.

I’ll update everyone when I know the outcome….

                So, this week was just interesting.  I had an eye appointment Monday and found out that my Thyroid issue may also be causing my eye problems.  It’s bad enough that it’s a small part of the depression and my ever widening RUMP but it’s now potentially making me blind.  GREAAAAAAAT.   I was informed that I’m not a good candidate for contacts.  E.P.H. (my shortened version of EFF as in the EFF word..I just say the letters E.P.H because when you say EPH like in stEPHanie it sounds like EFF). I did get my updated prescription though and I'll be venturing out to get my new specks.  I decided since I'm going to have them for the rest of my life I'm going to get a really nice pair that makes me look purdy.  Tuesday and Wednesday were pretty uneventful.  Thursday I got my hair dyed a lovely black and green color.  The green stained my pillow case and my husband wasn't too happy about that.  OH well, hair coloring is therapeutic for me.

                 This morning I sent off my letter to the blog.  I hope they get it and seriously consider me.  If not, it's all good.  I stopped off at a Running Shoe store near my house and picked of my new pair of sneakers.  I really lucked because they were on sale.  I didn't get the ones I wanted but I got the same style.  They will serve an amazing purpose.  Now, I just need to get my husband some so he can come with me and keep my company.  We also need to bring our Maggie Dog home.  (Anyone have a spare $300 we can borrow).  This weekend should be pretty quiet.  We don't have any plans as far.  I talked with an friend about the gym he goes to and I am going to look into joining.  I know I want my walk on but I will also need significant weight training.  I need to hit up the grocery store and get the fixins for better meals.  I started collecting healthier meal plans I'm hoping the Mr will like.  He's become so picky lately it's hard to know what I can fix that he will eat.

That's all for now.  The Mr isn't hungry so I'm just going to eat my salad and call it a night. 

 

Taking a break..Cosmo School, Doctors, Needles, and the AH HA moment …

In 2010 I started Cosmetology school.  This was huge for me as it’s been a goal since I was in high school.  My desire grew even further when I got my hair colored for the first time.  I was hooked that’s for sure!!  I was so excited to begin my journey to my dream job.  It’s hard work but for the first time I enjoyed the challenges it brought.  Side note:  if you think you stylist has an easy job you’re sadly mistaken. 

The nail section was difficult.  Not the book work but the technical.  I have no problem admitting that I sucked at nails of the acrylic nature.  I remember my first set; took me 6 hours and they were so ridiculously thick..OUI VAY.  They got better as I progressed but I would never ever charge anyone for that service.  Once I moved over to the Cosmo floor a new challenge arrived.  I loved it!!  I gradually got faster rolling perms and my foil placement for high/low lights.  You wouldn’t think that that would be a difficult task but if you ever see someone with a sort of Cheetah look to their blond highlights you can blame bad foil placement. (OR people who can’t sit still.)  Somewhere along the line the energy shifted.  Perhaps it was my attitude, the universe, my life events, or whatever (there is more me stuff in there so it likely was just me) but my drive/desire to continue to learn just sort of died.  From about May until November I was miserable.  I had moved back to my parent’s house, ended an 11 year friendship, plan a wedding, work full time and go to school while commuting 45 minutes one way 6 days week and squeezing time for my fiancé.  Yeah I think I was a little stressed out.  I complained a lot about the wedding planning but looking back now I am so glad my mother in law and grandmother in law took the reins on that.  I gave them my vision and they ran with it.  I’ll post pictures of the end result which was amazing. 

After the wedding we hit crunch time for the Hair Show.  I was a little annoyed that I had to take off work for it but you do what you have to do, I suppose.  That was when it started with the frustration.  We have these opportunities for what they call “time on” when speakers or demonstrators come in.  Now during our theory class they talk so much about the commitment we made to school and our education and by showing that we care we need to go to these classes.  This started to really get on my nerves because I made a commitment to my job first, five years ago.     I already made the change with my work schedule because of school so to make me feel guilty because of a non required speaker when I’ve committed first to my job is completely unacceptable.  The “I’m sorry but you just missed out” to me is disrespectful to not only myself but to my job that is providing me with funds to pay my 16,500 tuition that keeps that place afloat.  Seems to me that the school and staff need to show a little mutual respect…know what I mean. 

Another incident that just brought me to the brink of INSANITY was a comment made by one of the instructors.  I’m going to preface this by saying YES I am aware it’s the beauty industry and appearance is everything.  A STYLISTS skill is purely based on their appearance.  With that said, I was walking into school, hadn’t clocked in, and was heading to the Ladies room to change in to my appointed school uniform when an instructor says, “wow Melissa I think that’s the best I’ve ever seen you look.”  Now, I was wearing Jeans and a hoodie at the time because it was friggin freezing outside.  Either way…it was completely uncalled for.  She came up to me later giggling and said, “You know I’m just kidding right?”  I ended up quoting Ellen DeGeneres and said, “Well, then you don’t know how to KID properly because we should both be laughing.”  Cracks like this happen all the damned time at that school.  Whether or not I wear full makeup it’s never good enough.  There is always something wrong with my appearance. 

That along with a million other things I had mentally had enough.  I had to take the LOA.  Yes, it set me back quite a bit but I needed to get my physical and mental self in order.  I was going to school broken and in tears.  My desire to finish my goal had died and I needed to find a way to get it back.

After I made the step to take the leave I felt as though a weight had been lifted.  I made an appointment with my doctor to see about getting myself back on track.  Come to find out I had a found minor/common issues that came up and possibly part of the problem.  I can’t tell you how relieved I was.  To know that there was something actually wrong.  I had a HUGE Vitamin D deficiency.  Not a big shocker there though really if you saw me you’d understand.  I’m as pasty as it get.  The other was I have a Humungo thyroid. This was nothing I hadn’t heard before.  I’ve been tested for my Thyroid four times prior to this and it had come back normal.  For whatever reason this time it came back HypoThyroid –ish and what appeared to be Hashimoto’s disease.  I had a cyst on it as well that needed to be biopsied.   For the LOVE of all that is good and holy that was the single most painful moment of my adult life.  I fell head first off a bike and landed on the pavement and I’d gladly go through that again than having needles a foot long shoved into my neck.  OK so I don’t really know if they were a foot long but it bloody sucked.  It was so traumatic I sat in my car for 15 minutes at the hospital and bawled like a little girl.  I even got lost I was so out of it.  Want to know the best part…it was unsuccessful and I had to do it all again.  Thankfully this time it wasn’t as many needles (but there was a longer one) and I didn’t get lost leaving the hospital.  HA.. EWW OK I just got a pain in the Thyroid while I’m typing this.  I will post a picture of my bruise.  It’s pretty Gnarly.  It looked like a crazy hickey and no amount of concealer was covering it.  Thankfully, everything came back normal and I just need to take my thyroid pill.  The reading I did on the Hashimoto and the Vitamin D really made me realize that there was an actual physical reason why I was dealing with so much depression.  I’m not saying that was 100% the cause but it was nice to hear that I wasn’t just sad.  There were contributing factors and knowing this was something I could control with two small pills helped me a lot.  It made me think even more that I could fix the emotional issues as well.  I am still battling my little pill-phobia but it’s getting easier every day.

I have been enjoying my time away from school.  I keep getting asked when I will go back and I haven’t decided yet.  I can go back sooner or in May when I originally told them I would be back.  I know I need to just do it but as my Therapist says you’ll go back when you’re ready.  It was nice to hear that someone understands the value of Mental Health.  It’s just as important.  It’s important to heal some 25+ year wounds. 

OK, so YES I have started seeing a counselor.  I came to the conclusion that these issues are bigger than me and I need the help in understanding why I am the way that I am.  Rolling solo on that mission hasn’t really been working for me and so I thought I couldn’t hurt to have a third party perspective; someone who isn’t emotional invested in me to help me see my life or at least help me obtain the tools to make better choices where my emotional and physical health is concerned.  She has been wonderful and I’ve had a couple of “AH HA” moments.  I’ve realized that experiences as a child have rolled over into my adult life.  Reactions, feelings, emotions, causes, etc.. etc.. etc…  While depression/anxiety is never an overnight fix knowing that it doesn’t have to be a permanent part of my life gives me hope that I can overcome.  It’s hard letting go of emotional/physical trauma that one has endured and for some unknown reason allowed to shape the type of person you’ve become.  Not necessarily a bad person but someone who shakes sometimes has to convince her to go out in public or have such distrust in people that it affects every aspect of my life. 

I know I need to be better and what’s even more wonderful is that I want to be.  I have to stop making excuses and waiting for the miracle that I will wake up happy, healthy, thinner, and on the cover of self magazine. 

This weekend I think I’ll make my husband buy me my new walking shoes…time to start walking away from the chub.

 

Still here....if anyone is reading...

still here...still doing my thing longer post is coming!!!  I have lots to catch up on.