- I wrote this blog back in November. I've hesitated publishing it because it reveals a lot about me. Information that only my doctor and I know. I figured if I want to do this right I need to be completely honest not only with myself but with anyone that is going to read this. I am ready now to live the life I know I should be. Thank you for reading thus far. My email is listed on my profile so feel free to email me any thoughts, comments, and questions. Melissa -
I think I’ve eaten enough of my makeup. Unfortunately this is the only acceptable way
to binge and not purge. Today is a very
special day. Not only is it 11/11/11 but
it is the day that a million and one weddings are happening. OK, so that really means nothing to me (not
really I have friends getting married today) but it’s really the day that
Melissa (me) decided that she no longer wanted to be fat.
After stumbling rather ungraciously onto another fat chick
blog I realized I needed a huge change.
I was reading about one of the bloggers and I felt like I was staring in
a mirror. Well, minus the fact that she
had kids. I had the same reaction when I
was reading (and finished) my current book.
I felt like I was reading my life story and what could potentially
happen if I don’t figure this out now.
What have I figured out so far? I don’t want to die, I want to see my pretty
face as a thinner person, I don’t want to put my future unborn children at risk,
I really don’t want to be so fat that I waddle and wheeze, If I fly southwest I
don’t want to have to buy two seats, and I DON’T WANT TO DIE.
I don’t really know my back story and when I really started
to gain weight. I’ve been fat my whole
life. Rolls stop being cute after about
age 2. I look at pictures of myself when
I was younger and I think that if I had just stayed active as a child I
wouldn’t be into the bad habits I am now.
I have had a few traumatic events in my life and I suppose most therapists
would say that I use food to cope or to provide some comfort. It’s not rocket science I am an emotional
eater. I’m happy I want eat; I’m
depressed I want to eat. Again, not
rocket science.
In 2006, I started a new job that I thought was going to
change everything around for me. Oh and
it did. I got bigger and bigger. You know how they say that when you have a
sit down job you get your secretarial spread…well I got everyone’s. I went from a job that I had to walk to work
every day (three miles) and then walk/stand for 8 hours. I wasn’t thin but I was healthier and the
other clothes in my closet fit. OK so
maybe it was getting my driver’s license that made me fat.
I stumbled onto a blog today and it really kind of opened my
eyes. I saw myself in the face of
another person with the same struggle.
We almost look identical and I found myself wanting to be that motivated
to change my life like she is in the process of. In the book I just finished it took a heart attack
at 30 to wake this girl up. I don’t want
that for me. I don’t want another near
death experience; I am in my near death stage.
The last time I weighed myself was the worse time of my
life. I hit a number that I never ever
wanted to hit. I can remember the last
time feeling like this; was when I hit the other number I never wanted to
hit. This will be the most humiliating
moment of my adult life because no one but me and my Medical Chart knows this
number but I figure if I am going to do this and truly be held accountable I need
to put it all out there.
The point of this new blog is to let people into a part of
my life that have been behind a wall that I’ve been building for as long as I
can remember. I’ve hidden parts of
myself; thoughts, feelings, emotions, and interests; because I didn’t want to
be that vulnerable. I am tired of being
made fun of and stared at. I’m going to
talk about things that have happened in the past that I truly believe
contributed to the way I look and feel about myself. My intention is not to hurt anyone or drag up
old bitter feelings but to give you as my readers, supporters, and haters (if
there be any) a clear understanding of who I am and who I hope to become. My whole life I’ve been told to just let things
go and get over it. Well, I’m sorry I’m
a cancer and we forgive but never forget.
We are emotional people and we take things to heart even when you’re
“just kidding”.
You will also notice that I use humor a lot. I have poked fun at myself a long time
because I learned very early on; ‘bout middle school age; that I had to beat
them to the punch. They couldn’t make
fun of me if I did it first. My favorite
one still is why do I need to be skinny; when I am in a doctor’s office I don’t
want to be wondering why I’m dying..I’LL KNOW WHY.
I’m not doing this for anyone else other than me. I’m not doing this because someone in my
family once told me I was fat as a house or call me a fat cow for most of my
youth. OH and PS…fat jokes are only
motivation for continual over eating…try a different tact.
My name is Melissa, I weight 320 lbs and I don’t want to
die. I can honestly say that I would
like to be half the person I currently am.
I hope that anyone reading this finds some kind of encouragement and
hope to start their own journey. I have set
up an email where you can email me your thoughts, comments (if you don’t want
to post them), encouraging words, tips that worked for you, criticisms if you
feel I need them (make sure they are constructive is all I ask), or anything at
all that you don’t want to post in the comment section.
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